I'm not afraid of goodbye. I'm in fact, I see 'goodbye' as a chance to say things left unsaid, and to often times gain a better understanding of relationships and friendships. Since my life in Japan has been so solitary since being ostracized, I am very anxiously waiting for my departure date, with hopes for the future and a reprieve from the heavy burden on my heart. Sometimes, things here seem so impossibly difficult that I think about leaving early; about cancelling my travels and just dissapearing. I'm convinced nobody would notice, not as a tribute to any sort of inner-martyr, but because the only contact I seem to have with the very few people who seem to care, is via emails on our keitai. And an email across the dorm, or an email across the oceans.. frankly, I don't see any difference. But for me, being away from them, the people who have reduced me to a blubbering pitiful pit of despair and loneliness, will be one of the healthiest changes in my life to date.
I asked someone once, about goodbyes. I thought she might have something sagelike to say on the subject, as someone who's both said goodbye to me, and re-welcomed me into her life. (sortof). In response, she reflected on a past experience, and she didn't dissapoint.
... I have always been and will always be grateful that I have been given the priviledge for this kind of opportunity. For getting to know all these people and having learned so much from them and having myself grow into a (hopefully) stronger and better person ...I'm not sure I share her sentiments when it comes to what I've achieved in my time here, but her words still remind me to take a step back from the problems that continue to cloud my heart, and remember why I came here in the first place. To focus on what drew me to this opportunity in the first place, and making sure that I fill my last remaining moments with experiences to fulfill my hopes and dreams for my future.
I know that goodbye's are different for most people.. and each of us approaches them with varying levels of apprehension. For me, the apprehension lies in missed opportunities, which is why I've already said my one and only truly difficult goodbye. The rest, whether they end up as farewell or see you later, I know that the emotions attached to them will be bittersweet. A tearful goodbye accompanied with the happy memories we've built along the way.